In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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