Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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