You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
