The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
