I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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