Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
its liver damage thursday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
