he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize