Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
