I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
