the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
