If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
