Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
