while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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