Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
