Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
