Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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