I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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