are you still at the devil's house?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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