Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
