I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
