is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
