so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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