Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
