This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize