never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
