the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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