Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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