I wish I only lived at night.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
