you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Your dad touched me again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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