why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
