mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
