watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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