I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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