The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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