Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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