Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
