this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
