I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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