just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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