I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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