Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
