Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
