I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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