he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
