dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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