I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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