You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
