it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
