I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
