dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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