i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
