It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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