ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
