i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
