he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
