I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
