do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
