Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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