I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
