My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
