I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
