tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
