i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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