I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
