We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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