Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
