Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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