apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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