Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
