Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
