There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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