): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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