I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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