I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
