So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
