I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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